For most people, opinions are thoughts or feelings about anything someone could possibly have a thought or feeling about. They’re just preferences, really, varying from person to person depending on any number of factors. For most people, opinions are not facts. Opinions cannot be proven right or wrong by even the smartest minds.

I don’t have opinions. I have facts people occasionally disagree with. But those people are stupid. Before writing this I conducted an extensive analysis of any and all “opinions” I’ve had in the past, yielding incredible results. Mainly that I am never wrong. At least not in my opinion.

la fia

So trust me when I say yesterday’s grand opening of La Fia on Market Street was without a doubt one of the most important developments in recent history. It goes cordless telephones, first black president, then La Fia finally opening downtown. In that order. Seriously though, corded phones? Thank god I was born in the 90’s.

If you haven’t eaten at La Fia yet, (which is likely, it’s only been open for like 48 hours) you need to change that as soon as possible. That’s not a suggestion. Do it. Not only does the bakery/bistro feature some of the best interior design work since the Sistine Chapel, the food is pretty decent too.

Just kidding it’s amazing. If you don’t like your lunch I will personally give you a full refund, plus an extra five hundred dollars to compensate. You read that right, five hundred dollars! Just know the compensation will be made out entirely in Monopoly money-which can be very valuable in the international trade of imaginary goods.

But that won’t even be an issue because there is literally a zero percent chance you don’t like your meal. You have a better chance of inventing a pill that erases our basic need for food before you find something at La Fia that doesn’t make your taste buds celebrate like the world did right after Bruce Willis blew up that asteroid headed for Earth. That really happened, right?

Look, just eat at La Fia. You’ll love it, I promise.

And I’m never wrong.


Image: La Fia’s Facebook Page