I don’t know if you’ve noticed but it’s been pretty darn hot these last few weeks. Never before did I think it would be possible for me to miss a time when it simply rained for about an hour every day, but somehow that seems like a better alternative to my car turning into a sauna every day by this heat wave. In times like these it is incredibly important to stay cool. There’s not even a joke here, this is serious business. That or the heat is like kryptonite to my super human comedic talents. Could be either.
In order to assist you in your quest to not drown in a puddle of your own sweat (that’d just be gross) I’ve comprised my first ever list post! These are my Top Five Ways to Beat the Heat. I was going to write ten but that would set expectations for my future work just way too high.
5. Remember air conditioning is a thing that exists
While it is certainly unnaturally hot outside, last time I checked, there was no law actually requiring you to go outside. My first piece of advice is to just avoid the outdoors all together. Pump the A/C in your home or car and curl up in a dark corner like a less motivated Batman. In this, the golden age of technology, not only can you keep yourself cool without needing slaves to flap those giant fans in your face, you can keep yourself occupied while you hide out with your computer or phone. Netflix was made for exactly this reason! Plus sunlight is pretty overrated.
4. Get some ice cream
Okay so maybe you don’t have air conditioning, or your job requires you to venture out the front door-don’t worry, I am more than sympathetic to your plight. As was Alexander Graham Bell, leading to (very little known fact) his invention of ice cream. This glorious substance not only tastes delicious, it is also the only known way to lure young kids to a van without raising suspicions. I never said it didn’t have its drawbacks. Sweet Lucy’s, Reno’s Ice Cream, and Molly’s Old Fashioned Ice Cream, are just three of many locations around Wilmington to get your fix.
3. Go for a dip
You don’t like ice cream? First of all, shame on you. I am almost too upset about this to give you any further advice but luckily for you I’m willing to be the bigger man here. You’re welcome. If it does so happen that you have some sort of genetic issue that causes you to not love universally loved foods, there are still ways for you to not melt while the sun continues to show off. Pools, for instance, have been known to cool people off on a hot day, and also double as one of the few places to pee yourself in public without anyone noticing. Other notable areas to both avoid heat stroke and a bladder infection are rivers, oceans, or bathtubs filled with cold water. I don’t actually suggest that last one, but your decisions are your decisions.
2. How many did I say I’d do? Five? Crap.
If none of the amazing advice I’ve provided above helps you maybe you’re just not meant to cool off. But I said I’d give my Top Five Ways to Beat the Heat and if I am not anything I am not a liar. I think. That sentence might not actually make sense. But if you’re really still too hot-I don’t know-buy a fan or something? Drink a lot of water? That’s probably a good one. Put a bunch of ice cubes in a hat and wear that around. You’re kind of on your own at this point.
I’ll admit the main (pretty much only) reason I made this list was so I could put sprinklers at the top of it. After passing out into a heat induced coma last week I had a vision of my younger self gleefully running back and fourth through a sprinkler. I just want to remind everyone of a time when a glorified shower head attached to a garden hose was like, the coolest thing ever. Nothing brings neighborhoods together like a good sprinkler. It was a simpler time. I was a better time. And it wasn’t nearly as damn hot outside.
Stay cool, Wilmington.